Sexual Identity & Coming Out

Introduction

We live in a heteronormative society. Non-heterosexual individuals daily experience the frustration of being under-represented in many aspects of their lives. This paper is thus focused on defining sexual identity: it is about the journey that starts with sexual desire and develops with its integration to our overall identity. This process is non-existent in heterosexual individuals because of the heteronormative nature of our society, and therefore this thesis is aimed to provide people a tool to grasp a concept which is otherwise hard to comprehend.

The first chapter offers an overview of how sexual identity can be defined, demonstrating how, in order to move to the next step, we need to focus on the concept of desire. The experience of sexual desire is different in every individual, so the second chapter concentrates on the concept of experience and how we can get familiarity with a feeling we never faced. Ultimately, the last chapter is aimed to explain the process of coming out, or integration of sexual orientation to one's overall identity.

The expression 'coming out' comes from the longer sentence 'coming out of the closet'. The design of this dissertation represents this concept: the 'rip off' strip, which makes the box impossible to seal again once opened, symbolises the inability to go back to a time before the coming out. The box is made from simple cardboard, but it is covered with transparent foil which provides a glossy look, allowing the reader to take a peek into the development of something much rawer and sketchier inside — as coming out is not a single event, but the conclusion of a long process of integration.

Definition

An overview of the relevant ongoing conversation about sexual orientation and sexual identity is introduced through the real-life example of twins Ben and Jack, raised in the same environment yet with different sexual identities. Modern theories on sexuality start from Michel Foucault, who explained how sexual desire came to constitute a crucial part of our identities. William S. Wilkerson (2009) defines sexual identity as a complex interconnection between desire, choice, social roles, and biological constitution. Tamsin Wilton similarly describes sexuality as a bundle of specific experiences, desires, sensations, and behaviours.

Studies on twins, including a 1952 study by Franz Josef Kallmann, seem to support a biological component in the formation of sexual identity, though results remain uncertain. Assuming sexual identity can be reduced to sexual desire, the next chapter focuses on how experience plays a crucial role in its development.

Experience

To fully comprehend sexual identity, we need to start from experience, or empirical knowledge — the knowledge that comes from sensorial experience. Wilkerson (2007) illustrates this with the example of rain: you know what rain is not because someone explains it, but because you go outside and get wet. Heterosexuals and homosexuals do not have the same experience of desire, so it is difficult to normalise a sexual identity that differs from our own.

An experiment was conducted to investigate whether it is possible to gain knowledge of sexual attraction for another person without knowing their gender: volunteers read gender-neutral stories of falling in love and used the Lego Serious Play methodology to create representations of how the stories made them feel. The results confirmed the hypothesis: participants linked every text to a feeling they had already experienced, projecting their own gender or that of a friend onto the storyteller, showing that sexual identity, and therefore coming out, cannot be produced by sexual desire alone, but from experience and the interpretation of the social environment.

Coming Out as Integration

Coming out is not a definite event but an on-going process, as explained by Eli Coleman (2005), who divides it into five stages: pre-coming out, coming out (to oneself and then others), exploration, first relationship, and integration — where the individual has incorporated their sexual identity with their overall identity. The process is not linear; some people bounce between stages or never reach integration depending on their environment.

Ellen DeGeneres, the first actress in a lead role to come out on public television in 1997, is used as a real-life example of this process. Her public journey illustrates the integration phase, where being a lesbian became part of her overall identity rather than a separate, hidden fact.

Sara Ahmed's concept of (dis)comfort explains why heterosexual individuals often remain unaware of the discomfort experienced by non-heterosexual people: comfort is only noticed once it is taken away. Non-heterosexual individuals, because of their different perception of culture and society, might inhabit spaces in different ways, transforming discomfort into excitement for uncertainty. Twenty years after DeGeneres's coming out, some argue that the very meaning of 'coming out' may be evolving as younger people have more freedom to be who they are from a young age — though this is not yet the case everywhere.

Conclusion

This paper analysed how sexual identity can be interpreted differently by various individuals because of the experience everyone has of sexual desire. We naturally assume heterosexuality is the norm, and any other sexuality is not; we are learning to accept it, but the journey to integrate this concept into society is still long. Coming out remains an essential step for non-heterosexual people, as repressing one's sexual desire and identity cannot improve the discomfort many find themselves in.

The final hope is that there will no longer be a need for anyone to come out — because that would mean there is no longer an imbalance between heterosexual and non-heterosexual people's ability to explore and enjoy their sexual identity with comfort and confidence.

Logbook

To what extent is it possible to experience sexual attraction to another person not knowing their gender? This experimental workshop aimed to understand if it is possible to feel attraction to another individual without knowing their gender, and therefore experience feelings for a gender one would not have thought possible.

The first phase consisted of an online questionnaire asking about gender, sexual orientation, and a gender-neutral account of falling in love. 14 responses were received, and three texts were selected and edited (with the help of a peer) to ensure gender neutrality while preserving tone and meaning.

The second phase involved four individual workshops based on the Lego Serious Play methodology, using plasticine so participants weren't influenced by Lego's pre-set gendered shapes. Volunteers read each text and created a representation of how it made them feel, before being told the gender and sexual orientation of the storyteller.

The results confirmed the original hypothesis: all four participants linked each text to a feeling they had already experienced, projecting their own gender or that of an acquaintance onto the storyteller. While it's impossible to make someone feel exactly what someone else feels, the experiment showed it is possible to grasp an idea of that feeling and better understand sexual desire for an unexpected gender.